A Fresh Start

Jack looked at the cards in his hand as much as one could look at a junk hand, and decided that he would once again cheat. He tried to ease an ace out of his sleeve, sending a shower of pocket lint and old biscuit crumbs over the table.

“Hey Jack,” said Bruce, “Are you trying to cheat, mate?”

“Me? Naaah! Of course not.” said Jack in false innocence. “Why would I try and cheat, mate? Why do you think I’m called Honest Jack, for the deliciously ironic irony?” said Jack, then realised he had committed an enormous faux pas.

The blokes stared at him for a moment, and then slowly began to advance. Jack reached into his pocket for his fog powder, only to realise he had run out that morning. Oh shit, thought Jack. I knew I should have bought some more this morning after I ran out!

He flailed his mind figuratively around and said the first thing that he thought might get him some cover to escape. For his other nickname was Cowardy Jack.

“BAR FIGHT!” he yelled at the top of lungs. The bar became a flurry of furious fighting. Bruce the Bartender jumped over the bar and ran for safety out the door. Jack’s ‘friend’, Bruce, picked up his bottle of whiskey and smashed it on the table.

“You fool!” said another Bruce, “There was still whiskey in that!” And with that, belted him in the face.

Jack jumped for safety behind the bar, only to find that Bruce had set it on fire.

“Oh dammit,” he said. “Why didn’t I buy some anti-fire powder at the same time I didn’t buy the fog powder?”

At that moment, a million miles away, in America, a man named Norman Warren decided to conquer Australia!

Back at the bar, Bruce was fighting with Bruce using the trophy head of a dingo while trying to fend off Bruce the bartender’s pet emu Bruce. Jack took this moment to sneak out the back door which had as yet not been mentioned because it would have sped the story up too much for my liking. At that moment, Bruce the Bartender came back in with Constable Bruce the Policeman.

“Break it up, break it up!” cried Bruce the Policeman, “Move along, nothing to see here!”

A few people argued that there was quite a lot to see here, like the dingos and the koalas and the kangaroos but then Bruce pointed out that he meant the bar, not Australia. To this there was much agreement, and everybody went home and ate vegemite for tea.