The Tenth Chapter


The ninjas snuck into the American Louvre, also known as the American Louvre. They snuck past Michelangelo’s David, who was working as a security guard there. The American Louvre had very relaxed (in fact, non existant) dress policies, which stated that anybody could wear a dress (Their slogan was No Skin, No Service, recently replacing Transvest-Arts). They snuck past the Mona Lisa, who was asleep, and crept along the passageway towards the Van Gogh exhibit (titled Is Paint Making Your Children Sterile?). Three of the Van Goghs were captured, but one was bred in captivity. The lazy paintings were mostly sleeping, though a few were hunting some Picassos.

The ninjas moved slowly forward down the corridor, accompanied by a wandering bass.

“Will you stop that?” said the head ninja to the bass player. The arm ninja and the torso ninja nodded in agreement. The genital ninja was too busy trying to fill out some Change-Of-Name forms, which offered being a toe samurai or a knuckle knight.

“Sorry,” said the bass playing-ninja, and burned his instrument. The previously mentioned genital ninja was rather upset when his Change-Of-Name forms caught on fire, thus reducing toe samurai to a oe samu.

“Arrrgh!” screamed the genital ninja, setting off all the alarms.

“You fool!” said the head ninja. “You just screamed, setting off all the alarms!”

The security guards began to flood in, due to a problem with the plumbing. The ninjas pulled out their scimitars and began to attack in the traditional Body Ninja way, which was to throw away one’s weapon and run like hell.

“How are we going to explain this to Norman?”

“Well, we’ll start by giving him a present, then maybe a cake of some sort, preferably chocolate, then we’ll send him a harem of wives, followed by a giant cat, then we’ll tell him via semaphore from a far-off cliff!”

“What if he’s got a mortar launcher?” asked the eardrum ninja, who was drumming on his ears.

“Then we’ll send him another cake, then a small tropical island, with coconuts, and then we’ll stand on the mainland and tell him via semaphore.”

“What if he’s got an X-Ray Gun?” asked the rather jumpy crop ninja (he was Norman’s official falconer)

“Then we’ll bung on a lot of anti-X-Ray salve and hope the sun on his tropical island is in his eyes.”

“How will we pay for this?” asked the crop ninja again.

“Grab one of those Van Gogh originals,” said the head ninja.

“But if we grab one of those Van Gogh originals, then we’ve completed the mission and don’t need to tell him that we failed.”

“Well,” said the head ninja, “We could, but we’d be lying.”

“And Norman shoots mortars and X-Rays at liars.” remarked the femur ninja sadly. His brother had been killed when his boat had sunk. (Unrelated I know, but tragic nonetheless.)

The ninjas ceased their running and turned around to pick up the Van Gogh originals. They had almost finished when suddenly, the entire American police force ran in.

“Hands up!” said all five-hundred of them. “And drop your weapons!” added the three non-crooked ones.

“We already have dropped our weapons!” said the head ninja. “But if we were to give them to you, they’d fetch a high price on the black market.”

There was a collective muttering from four-hundred and ninety-seven cops (including one of the non-crooked ones, just trying to fit in. One of the crooked ones, who had not murmured, had just discovered religion in the few seconds that had elapsed between the two sentences involving the police numbers. In that time, he had read the Bible, and realised what he was doing was wrong. By the next day, however, he will have consumed a lot of alcohol and discovered some other religion that permitted stealing. He was like that, you know).

“Are you carrying any drugs?” asked one of the non-crooked cops.

“No,” said the head ninja.

“Oh,” said the non-crooked cop, “In that case, you’re free to go.”

The ninjas shrugged, and ran off with the paintings. The cops decided to have a paintball tournament in a room full of blank canvases and sell them to the Andy Warhol society, then go out, consume a lot of alcohol, then change religion again, possibly to Mormonism.