We Cut Back To Norman For A While


Norman put down his painting by numbers set and sat back to examine his work. It was supposed to be Van Gogh’s Sunflowers, though it looked more like Salvador Dali’s (The grass was melting).

“Computer,” he said, “Get my ninja minions in here!”

A band of ninjas walked in, (carrying their instruments) roughly twice the size of the Australian Army.

“Ninjas!” said Norman with a Texan accent, even though he came from New York. “I want you to go and steal me some Van Gogh originals from the American Louvre or whatever the hell the American equivalent of the Louvre is. We’ve got a Paris in Texas, check there first!”

The lead ninja approached him, shuriken in one hand, banjo in the other.

“Sir,” he said, with a ninja accent, even though he came from New Zealand. “Can we have a pay rise?”

“Can you have a pay rise? Of course you can’t have a pay rise! I just spent my last paycheck on a Robot Death Cave, the Normanwarrenmobile and some really evil groceries.”

The ninja raised his banjo and activated the spikes that came out of the tuning keys.

“Are you sure?” he said, brandishing the pointed end at Norman and brandishing the non-pointed end into his own hand, “You’ve got one last chance.”

“No, I’m sure I don’t want to give you a pay rise.” said Norman.

“Oh, okay.” said the Ninja, and threw his banjo to one of the other ninjas. Unfortunately he did not retract the spikes first and decapitated one of the ninjas.

“Arrgh!” said the ninja with a New York accent, even though he was a mute.

“Oh, quit your whining,” said Norman, “I gave you the choice between medical and dental, and a beer keg, and you chose the beer keg. Live with it.” It was quite obvious that they’d chosen the beer keg, as the recently punctured ninja was leaking beer, and  one of the others was claiming that he was the Grand Toadstool Of West Arabia and they should all attempt to chew off their own elbows. Sadly, he hadn’t drunk anything.

The book now hits a slow spot, and some of the less committed readers might like to skip ahead to the end of the book, when there are some more funny bits with Norman and some quite good fighting.