The Final Chapter In Which We Put A Whole Load Of Shelved Jokes


The Elves woke Jack and his friends up with some magical Elf-Herbs they had just happened to be carrying. Tim decided to help them when he had heard their cause, as it was in his job description to help people named Jack, Bruce, Bruce the Koala and Sheila. The other Elves had decided to help because they were mere background characters and did what they were told to keep the story moving.

They approached the huge cave that they had been following for a week (the RDC could fly). They approached the doorman, who was a man wearing a door around his waist. Luckily he had underpants on as well.

“No-one enters this door!” said the doorman.

“Please?” asked Jack.

“Well, ok. Since you put it like that.”

He stepped aside to let them through.

They walked down a steel corridor.

“I don’t like this,” said Bruce (the man) “There’s no corrugated iron- some other weird metal!”

The anti-corrugated-ness of it all was weakening their Australianess, and they were starting to loose their accents.

“Oh, erg!” said Jack, in a neutral accent. “I feel weird… My God! I can’t say ‘mate’!”

They all tried, but couldn’t form an Australianism.

“Bruce to the rescue!” yelled Bruce the Koala. He jumped up and hit them all in the face. A magic rejuvenating effect was had, and the Australianess of koalas and recreational violence returned them to normal.

“That was close!” said Tim the Elf.

“Arg! Sorry, I forgot you were there, Tim, mate!” said Jack.

After an hour of wandering throughout the RDC, Jack had a brainwave.

“MY SUPERPOWERS! I FORGOT! The Bunyip named Bruce gave me vague superpowers! I can use them to see where Norman is!”

He turned his head and looked through the wall.

“There he is!” yelled Jack, and ran off. The others followed him in his slipstream.

They stopped only when they came to a door. But then they walked through it as it was open. Then they stopped again when they came to another door (this one was locked).

Tim the Elf stepped forward.

“Let me open the door- I can use my Slack Arrow!” Tim pulled out his arrow, made from the Elvish flower Slack, which has cake mix as nectar. The cake mix was highly acidic and corrosive (That’s why Elves never eat cakes, except at ritual suicides).

Tim fired the arrow into the lock and melted it completely off. They stepped inside.

“GOT YOU!” yelled Norman, and began to monologue. “With one pull of this lever, I will… Stop it! Come back here!” Jack and his friends had started to run forward to attack Norman. “You all have to stand still, no matter what, while I tell you my evil plot. That’s how monologging works.”

“Now,” he continued, “I’m going to launch the ICBM I stole from the PM of Australia back at Australia. And when I pull this lever, it will launch. This lever here,” he said, indicating to that lever there.

“Goodbye Australia!” He yelled, and placed his hand on the lever.

“Wait! Yelled Jack, “I thought you wanted to take over Australia- why blow it up?”

“Because I own properties in New Zealand,” said Norman, “And if Australia goes, the value of them will skyrocket!”

“So simple!” said Jack. “Wait, no it isn’t!”

“Yes, well, anyway, bwahahah and all that rubbish.” Said Norman, and faced the lever again.

Norman pulled the lever. This was it- Australia, and Jack, were going to die. Tim rushed up behind Norman with a drawn arrow (one of the other Elves was a cartoonist) and pulled his bow taught. An Orc ran up behind Tim and hit him in the back of the neck, knocking him out. All looked grim for Jack. The end was nigh.

But, all of a sudden…

EVIL CAR came smashing through the wall of the RDC, with the army of the small country he had become God over, that was only about twenty million men strong (the country was Russia).

“Hands up!” yelled the Russian General, Sokolov, in perfect English for no adequetly explored reason (the fact that he was talking in English, not the fact that he had said ‘Hands up’). He circled around the room, and the army took out all the orcs. EVIL CAR had instructed them to leave the Elves (even though at the time that he had left he had not known about their main character status, he had a soft spot for the International Society of Scantily Clad Elf Women). The Day was saved.

Jack stood over Norman, gun in his hands (Jack’s, not Norman’s), and pointed it at his head (Norman’s, not Jack’s). There was a pause. Then Jack threw the gun to the floor.

“Put her there, cobber,” said Jack, and offered his hand to Norman. As arrogant as Norman was, he was also a big coward.

“Thanks. But why did you save me?” asked Norman.

“In Australia, we have a thing called Comitatus. I mean, mateship,” said Jack, quickly correcting himself, “and I was fighting to save Australia from becoming another stereotypically ruthless America, but what’s the point if what makes us Australian is gone?”

There were tears in everyone’s eyes, even EVIL CAR’s, but this was due to the fact that there was also a particularly large insect in his eye. This species of insect was supposed to have become extinct one hundred and fifty million years ago. He blinked, destroying the last hope for this endangered species.

“The ICBM!” said Jack, “It’ll blow up Australia!”

“No it won’t, Jack!” said the Prime Minister, standing in the doorway, “I never follow through on anything- and I also ate the meat pie.”

That would explain the tentacle, thought Tim.

“Let’s go home, and eat vegemite for tea. Norman can come to, if he likes.”

Norman agreed, and from that day on, they stayed the best of friends.


The End.