Lesbian relationships, like lesbians, come in many shapes and forms. I’ve already discussed the primal urge to physically, emotionally and geographically bond that is known as The Lesbian Merge. However, this is but one pit stop on the train line to Domesticated Lesbian Bliss. Here’s a brief rundown, from Shane-esque to Merge-dom.
1) The one-night-stand:
You meet at a club. You are both inebriated. You hook up. You get a taxi home. The cab driver seems slightly aroused by his passengers – two lesbos hooking up in the back of his taxi. You get home and drunkenly have sex. You wake up to find last night’s conquest gone, leaving only dirty sheets in her wake. You sigh, and with jaded acceptance, lean over and carve yet another notch into the bedpost.
2) The whole friends-with-benefits (and latent feelings for each other) thing:
You were dating some girl, pretty hot, and a good fuck, but the romance fizzled pretty quickly. However, being the clingy lesbos you are, you couldn’t let her go entirely, because she was just too good in bed for that. You wanted to save yourself from regressing to your previous sexless existence. You wanted to salvage the insane sexual chemistry you had with this girl. So you, or she, suggest Friends With Benefits, and the other readily agrees. Now you make an effort to not lean on each other emotionally, and to keep it purely physical, and you have lots and lots of noisy sex. Sometimes afterwards you snuggle for a little while, but then one of you realises what you’re doing and pulls away. It’s sexy. It’s emotionless. It’s a bit awkward.
3) You got yourself a stalker!
You went on one (mediocre) date and (drunkenly) slept with her (once), and now she’s obsessed with you. It’s great that somebody thinks you’re wonderful, and at first it did wonders for your self-esteem. Now it’s just fucking creepy. You log onto Facebook and discover umpteen notifications; she’s gone through all your photos from age 15 to now, and liked a large proportion of them. She’s commented on statuses you wrote weeks ago. It’s fucked. You start to sweat a little. She knows where you live. You lock the windows and bunker down for the night. Your housemates are out and every time you hear a noise outside you pray it’s not her, creeping into your room with a bunch of roses and an engagement ring.
4) Purely dating:
This is that nice girl you’ve been on a couple of dates with. You have kissed a little bit, and you enjoy gazing into each others’ eyes, and there’s the promise of lovemaking to come. But it hasn’t come yet. And neither have you. You’re nervous about whether the sex will be good or bad. You’re not sure where it’s going. You dream of a cat-filled future together. But you’re just not sure.
5) More than friends, less than girlfriends:
This is where I am currently at with The Musician. And where I’m positive you’ve been with someone at some point. You’ve been on a lot of beautiful dates. You’ve had amazing sex. You’ve bought each other gifts, you’ve gone to shows together, you’ve introduced her to your friends, and you’ve even met some of her family. She scores a mention at your weekly shrink appointment, and you score a mention at hers. You feel like when you’re together, it’s kind of like a relationship. But then you go a week, two weeks, without seeing each other and it’s abundantly clear it’s not a relationship. You like her a lot, and you kinda want to be her girlfriend, but there’s something holding you back. Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship. Maybe you’re also seeing someone else and having trouble choosing. Maybe she’s got some fundamental personality flaw that you simply can’t get over (examples include pyromania, a scat fetish, or being a Liberal voter). But no matter the reason, it’s stuck in hiatus.
6) The open relationship:
You’re girlfriends, you’re in love, but you’re allowed to screw around. So long as neither of you develops romantic feelings for anyone else. And so long as you tell each other about it. Nobody else really understands, but you both do so fuck everyone else. But then one of you “breaks the rules” and then it all goes to shit.
7) The monogamous relationship:
Boring! Fuck that!
8) The Merge:
See my previous post dedicated to this topic.
I know a lesbian couple who found themselves in this predicament. We haven’t seen or heard anything from them since. They’ve dropped off the face of the planet. The motto of this story is: lesbian marriage = death.
So, girls, there you have it. Everything you need to know about lesbian relationships. Namaste.